Basic Training for Life (a metaphor for raising children)

By Ken Fate, MS, LMHC

I once asked my father why he made us work so much and had so many rules. He said, “Well, I wanted you to not like it here so much that you would want to come back and stay.” He was saying this tongue in cheek, but he helped me separate from the family and prepare for life. I loved home but was trained and ready to make my own way.

Metaphors can help teens understand what we do as parents. One that I like is the “Basic Training” metaphor. The act of training a son or daughter for the real world begins in the safety and security of the home. In this “Basic Training” we don’t start the day with revelry or make them march with a 100 pound pack, but we are training them to do battle with the challenges of life.  All children need to learn to delay gratification, follow rules, and be responsible.   Failure to attain these skills can create teenagers who can’t handle frustration or delay gratification. They may lead to escaping reality, avoid risk taking, becoming dependent and emotional immaturity.

Parents often want to be a parent and a friend. Though teens can appear to be mature adults , they are not. They can be very persuasive, have sophisticated communication skills and lots of friends to support their wishes. Thus, we often get into conversations that lead to conflicts because of faulty reasoning that we must re-explain our limits and they must like our explanations. One of the biggest mistakes we make is using too much talking and too much emotion in the heat of a conflict. Generally, when strong emotion is present the message is missed and the emotion (anger) is received, leading to withdrawal, acting out or revenge.

When we involve the teen in decisions allowing their voices to be heard, we respect them. It is more effective to be proactive and discuss our reasons, do our negotiating, and get their input prior to a conflict. When issues do arise we can respect them by reflecting their frustrations with the rules but not giving in. For example, “You are frustrated that your video game time is over and you have to do your homework now?” We should not take on their problem and try to do anything but be supportive and reflect back what they are feeling and why. It shows respect and sends the message that this is not a topic for discussion.

We are not preparing our kids for armed conflict in the U.S. Military. However, we are preparing them for being independent and self-sufficient citizens. When they need you to help them “be all they can be” remember that sometimes you have to help them earn their stripes.

Filed Under: Helpful Articles

By Don Damsteegt, PhD 20 Sep, 2023
By Don Damsteegt, PhD Relationships are the greatest source of joy in our lives and the greatest source of pain. When couples come to Family Psychology Associates for assistance with their relationship, they experience caring counselors whose goal is to create a safe environment in which to talk to one another, to improve communication, and to improve problem-solving. A specialized technique for couple counseling is Imago Relationship Therapy. This counseling approach emphasizes the importance of listening to one’s partner and validating what is heard for the purpose of one’s own and the other’s growth. When people come for counseling they will be encouraged to practice dialogical communication, which means not immediately responding, but first listening and then acknowledging what was heard. This makes it safe for the speaker to speak and it allows the listener to understand the speaker at a deeper level. For example, a common pattern is for Partner A to say, “I’m frustrated about X.” Partner B may then say, “Why are you frustrated?” or “Just get over it.” or “What did you do to make the other person react that way?” All of these responses invalidate what the speaker has said. We might say this is normal communication, but it is not helpful communication. In couple counseling, the counselor emphasizes listening and validating what the speaker has said. For example, if one partner (the speaker) says, “I’m frustrated about X,” the other partner (the listener) seeks to respond with empathy and understanding. “So you are frustrated about X. Did I get that right? Is there more to that?” Then the listener will seek to validate and empathize with the speaker. “If I were in your shoes I would feel frustrated too. It makes sense that you would want X not to do that. I can imagine that makes you feel hurt.” This is called “Mirroring, Validating and Empathizing (MVE)” This style of communication is rare. One of the gifts that couple counseling offers is a chance to be able to express yourself in a vulnerable manner and to know that your partner will receive the communication with empathy and without judgment. This style of communication allows for safety and opens the possibility of more emotional intimacy. This is a tool that partners can use in situations where emotions run high, such as hurt feelings or feeling very grateful. Research has shown that learning to understand your partner’s inner world and communicating one’s understanding in an empathic way improves relationships. If you are struggling with frustration in a relationship, please feel free to call Family Psychology Associates (319-378-1199) to set up a counseling session with your partner.
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